The Life of an Androgynous Pimp
by chocolatechicken
Summary: Dirk is unhappy. Being a pimp isn't all it's cracked up to be. Can the Mallrats change his view on life? Don't worry, this story is probably less strange than the summary makes it out to be.
1. Dirk discovers his dislike of table legs

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from The Tribe.  They are the property of Cloud 9.

This story takes place during the middle of Season 1.   It revolves around Dirk, the shady pimp who kidnaps Salene.  He is a real character, but only has about two minutes worth of screen time.

Chapter 1: 

Dirk swallowed convulsively, trying to keep down Roanne's poor excuse for food.  How could the girls eat this slop?  He carefully lifted up his spoon and examined the beans with a thickly lined eye.  Dirk suddenly snorted, remembering the poor girl that had stayed briefly in his . . .care.  She had been sick after every meal.  Roanne told him that she was bulimic, whatever that meant. 

"Maybe I'm bulimic too," Dirk said, speaking to his spoon, "If it means that I have a low tolerance for eating crap."  He lowered his spoon delicately and began to rub the large bruise on his arm.  The bulimic girl's Neanderthal boyfriend had left quite a few dents in Dirk's body when they had escaped. 

Dirk ran a manicured hand through his wavy hair and sighed.

"Finished eating?" Roanne asked, peering into his room.

"Yes." he said shortly, gesturing impatiently to the air.  Roanne picked his bowl up and began to walk away.  She hesitated and turned around. 

"Dirk?" she asked meekly. 

"What do you want?  I'm a little busy here." He said coldly, reaching for his Rubik's cube.

"Are you planning to go look for Salene?  We can't let word get out about our little business." she said nervously.  Dirk stared at her.  Who was Salene?  Ah yes, he remembered now, the bulimic girl.

"She was wasn't very bright, if I remember correctly," Dirk sneered, "I hardly think she'll blow our cover.

"I still think we should-" Roanne began.

"Fine.  Tell Bitch to go check it out." Dirk said, fumbling with his cube.

"You mean Mitch?"

"Just tell him to wander around the city until he sees a girl with freakish red hair.  Do you think he can handle that?"

"Well . . ."

"Go away, Roanne.  You're beginning to annoy me." Dirk said callously, turning his chair away from her.  He began to file his nails and hum.

"I'll get Mitch right on it, sir!" Roanne said cheerfully.

"Why must I be surrounded by idiots?" Dirk muttered as she left the room, "It's like they're attracted to me."

10 minutes later

"Dirk, we have a little problem," Roanne said breathlessly as she collapsed onto his desk,  "The Locos captured Mitch and they will be roasting him on a spit momentarily."

Dirk pondered this statement briefly. 

"Well, I guess I have to find Salene myself." He said, walking towards the door.

"What about Mitch?" Roanne asked.

"I've been meaning to fire him for a while." Dirk said, chortling.  "Get it, Roanne?  **Fire** him."

Roanne stared perplexedly as Dirk strode out of the room, laughing like a schoolgirl.

Dirk was hopelessly lost.  All the buildings had the same graffiti and all the streets were littered with the same trash.  He had been meandering around aimlessly for the past two hours.  He suddenly had a longing for Roanne's fried crap. 

The air was getting noticeably colder.  Dirk's exposed midriff was uncomfortably chilly. 

"Maybe I should find a place to sl-" CRACK!!!  Dirk was cut off as a table leg connected solidly with the back of his head.

When Dirk finally came around, he saw a group of anxious children huddled near him.  He reached out to touch one, but his hand met cold metal.

"Am I in a cage?!" he shrieked, jumping up.

"Actually, you're in **the **cage." A small girl said.

"Who the hell are you?" Dirk asked snottily, rubbing the back of his head.  He could feel a nice bump developing.

"I think you know who I am." Another girl said, stepping out of the shadows.

"Uh . . . Vaseline, was it?" Dirk said, scooting back slightly.

"It's Salene, actually.  But I'm sure you already knew that." She said menacingly.

"Salene," Dirk said awkwardly, "How nice to see you again."

"Likewise." Salene said coldly.

"How have you been?" Dirk asked lamely.

"Great.  I'd be doing better, though, if you would stop trying to hunt me down."  Salene said, brandishing the table leg from behind her back.

"Um . . ." Dirk said, his back completely flat against the bars.  Salene came slowly towards the cage and unlocked it.  She opened the door carefully and walked towards him, running her table leg across the floor.  
            "Please don't kill me!" Dirk begged, falling to his knees, "I can't die in vinyl pants!"


	2. Dirk discovers his dislike of trials

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from The Tribe. They are the property of Cloud 9.  
  
Chapter 2:   
  
"I'm not going to kill you." Salene said, laughing slightly.  
  
"Then what are you going to do to me?" Dirk asked, his guard still up.  
  
"Leave you in the cage until you go crazy or starve." Salene said, poking him with the table leg.  
  
"Salene! What do you think you're doing?" a blonde girl yelled as she ran up to the cage.  
  
"Nothing, Amber." Salene said innocently, hiding the table leg behind her back.  
  
"Who is this poor girl?" Amber asked, pointing at Dirk.  
  
"I'm a dude!" Dirk yelled angrily, his brush with death forgotten. Amber ignored him and continued talking.  
  
"You can't just kidnap people and lock them up! What kind of world are we living in?!" she shouted.  
  
"Calm down, Amber. He's the bad guy." Salene said.  
  
"What do you mean?" Amber asked.  
  
"I mean he deserves to be in the cage. He's a horrible person."  
  
"I am not!" Dirk said indignantly, pouting his lips slightly.  
  
"Okay, why do you think he should be locked up, Salene?" Amber asked.  
  
"Well("  
  
"Salene and I had a little misunderstanding." Dirk interrupted, "I t was just a silly mistake."  
  
"He wouldn't let me leave his horrible shack! He's a pimp!" Salene screamed.  
  
The room was deathly silent.  
  
"Pimp is such a harsh word," Dirk said awkwardly, "I prefer to think of myself as a friendly neighborhood . . .uh . . . friend."  
  
Amber glared at him.  
  
Salene glared at him.  
  
All of the nameless children surrounding him glared at him.  
  
"Where is your fine establishment located?" a boy will long, black hair whispered.  
  
"Shut-up, Lex." Amber said, grabbing the table leg from Salene and throwing it at him. Lex whined and went to sit in the corner.  
  
"I guess it's time for the execution." a voice said from the back.  
  
"There will be no execution," Amber said firmly, causing Dirk to exhale with relief, "until we all vote on it. You should know that by now, Ryan."  
  
Dirk jumped. Ryan, where had he heard that name before?   
  
"Can't we at least beat him up a little?" Ryan asked, walking towards the cage. The blood rushed out of Dirk's face. It was Salene's crazy Neanderthal boyfriend! The same one who had left a can-shaped bruise on Dirk's stomach!  
  
Dirk started screaming and clawing at the cage.  
  
"Is he alright up there?" a girl with violet hair asked, tapping her forehead.  
  
"I'm sure it's just a side effect of the rather large bump he has on his head." Amber said, frowning at Salene.  
  
"I think he needs medical attention." Violet girl said, patting his head sympathetically.  
  
"Get off of me, you crazy mongrel!" Dirk screamed.  
  
"Trudy, stop trying to help." Amber snapped, attempting to calm Dirk. "Why don't you take the kids upstairs and we'll deal with this guy." Trudy looked momentarily offended, but stayed quiet as she led a trio of unwashed children away.  
  
"We can't just leave him in the cage." Amber said, "Even if he is an unsavory character."  
  
"Hey, I'm very savory!" Dirk said, visibly affronted.  
  
"I'll bet you are." Lex whispered from his corner, winking at Dirk.  
  
"Shut-up, Lex," the girl sitting next to Lex said, whacking his arm, "We're married, remember?"  
  
"Sorry, Zan. It was an accident." Lex said, trying to look cute.  
  
"Of course it was, my widdle Lexy-poo." Zandra cooed, tickling his chin.  
  
"I think I'm going to puke." Amber said, turning away from the happy couple.  
  
"So . . . what happens next?" Dirk asked, attempting to sneak up the stairs.  
  
"We roast you on an open fire. Like a chestnut." Ryan said, dragging Dirk back to the cage.  
  
"Ryan, be quiet," Amber commanded, "I think we should take a vote now. Salene, go tell everyone to come down here."  
  
Ten minutes later, all of Dirk's captors were assembled around the cage.  
  
"Now begins the trial of Dirk." Amber announced, "He appears before us, the Mallrats("  
  
"The Mallrats? You guys are the Mallrats?" Dirk snorted, "I guess this is your rat hole then."  
  
"Dirk, you're not really helping your case." Trudy said pointedly.  
  
"As I was saying," Amber continued, "we are here to decide the fate of Dirk. Defending him is Trudy and prosecuting is Salene. Trudy, you may begin."  
  
The trial lasted a grand total of five minutes before Dirk started crying. Salene had been viciously attacking his hairstyle when Dirk burst into tears. Judge Amber had wisely decided to skip over the rest of the trial and go straight to the voting.  
  
"Fellow Mallrats, it is finally time to decide the fate of Dirk." Amber said regally, "Will he be returned to his home? Will he stay with us? Or will he die a painful death? Does anyone have any last comments?"  
  
"I think we should let him go." A small, frightened little girl said.  
  
"Why to you think that, Patsy?" Amber asked.  
  
"Because he's scary and wears too much make-up." Patsy replied, sucking her thumb.  
  
"Hey, that was uncall(" Dirk started, pounding on the cage.  
  
"Shut-up, Dirk." Amber said sharply, "Now, everyone who thinks Dirk should go, stand next to Patsy. If you think he should stay, join Tru(" Lex jumped up and ran over to Trudy.   
  
"(and if you think we should kill Dirk, join Salene and Ryan." Amber said, looking around the room expectantly, "I myself think he should stay."  
  
"KC, you want Dirk to stay, don't you?" Lex said menacingly, directing his comment towards a boy with spiky green hair. KC looked scared for a moment and walked hesitantly towards the "stay" group. Lex started to pat his head, but stopped before he was maimed by KC's hair.  
  
"I think we should kill him." Zandra said suddenly.  
  
"What? Zan, you don't mean that!" Lex said pleadingly.  
  
"Yes I do." Zandra said firmly, walking towards Salene.  
  
"I'm sorry Zan, but I have to do this." Lex said resolutely, turning her towards him. He flipped his hair and flashed Zandra his 1000-watt smile. She froze and started to giggle.  
  
"Now, Zan, which side are you on?" Lex asked.  
  
"Yours, of course!" she said brightly, clutching Lex's arm. Amber, looking thoroughly disgusted, turned back towards the five people who hadn't voted.   
  
Two boys were whispering furiously in the corner. Dirk thought he heard, "He's not strong or smart enough to benefit us," coming from the red-haired one.   
  
"We could at least use him as a guinea pig," the darker one replied.  
  
Suddenly, they stood up.  
  
"We think he should die." The redhead announced.  
  
"Thanks Jack, thanks Dal. Have the rest of you decided yet? Cloe? Tai-San? Bray?" Amber prodded.  
  
"I have meditated long and hard on this." A girl with long, dark hair said dreamily. "The aura of our group will greatly be improved by Dirk's presence."  
  
Dirk teared slightly.  
  
"I abstain from voting." An enigmatic young man said as he stepped out of the shadows.  
  
"Bray, why are you abstaining?" Amber asked exasperatedly.  
  
"I feel it is my duty to 'go against the grain.'" Bray explained. "All of us play a role. Mine is mysterious outsider, Jack's is nerd, Tai-Sans is who("  
  
"Thank you, Bray." Amber said loudly, glancing nervously at Tai-San. "Cloe is the last voter. Cloe, are you ready?"  
  
You could cut the tension in the air with a knife.  
  
"I think we should set him free, like a little bird." Cloe said quietly.  
  
"Pfft, little bird." Dirk muttered angrily.  
  
"Well," Amber said, looking around the room. "If my calculations are correct . . ." she paused dramatically, "Dirk, welcome to the Mallrats!" 


End file.
